| Jul. 16th, 2007 @ 01:51 am (no subject) |
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Current Mood:  Ashamed
Current Music: Shinedown - Better Version
So I'm flawed, terribly at that. Okay, it's been pointed out to me time and time again. I'm stubborn, I hate to be wrong, I hate admitting I'm wrong, even refuse sometimes, I play the victim. I fight over everything, I can't just "get over it" when I should. I'm insensitive to others, self-absorbed, selfish, arrogant, any number of things you can rattle off, I'm that.
So basically, I'm always the one at fault. But this is just me playing the victim again, right? Right.
I've never once claimed to be perfect, and I have admitted when I was wrong. I could certainly argue all of this, but that's not what it's about today. Instead I'm going to focus on what people are saying; As I will take the time to view another point, I'm certainly willing to work on these things. It would have been a great help, had someone just once helped me fix these problems, rather than criticising me. I don't ask for much, that would have been very helpful, just a little bit of support rather than the pointed finger.
Now I know, you'll argue that it's still all my fault. Why should I rely on my friends, right? I'm not pointing the blame her, again, argument is not the point of this, it's self improvement and to simply write down my thoughts. And maybe, if I can't do this alone, someone will take the time to really consider my angle and lend me some aid, while not expected, it would be greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry about the person I've been, and the person people can't see that I'm changing. I'm giving no less than 110%, that's not enough? Fine, I'll just have to try harder. This isn't easy, though; I just wish people could bear with me for the time being, be a little more understanding of my faults. Yeah, I've made plenty of mistakes in the past, I know. I'm working on those now and throwing it in my face and holding it against me is doing no good, it's not helpful at all, it's rather damaging. If you have a problem with the way I am, don't do stuff to impede the bettering process, focus that on helping, maybe? Again, I don't expect anything of anyone. I'll do this, I know I can. I've been trying, I know what I want. Some don't believe me and that complicates things to an extreme, but I refuse to let that stop me. I'm not going to simply give up, and I know no one who really cares about me wants to see that white flag going up.
The benefit of the doubt is all I ask for, all I ever asked for. I'm not the kid I once was, things are just rough sometimes so I revert to that scared child. There are reasons, but this isn't a sob story. I just need a little support sometimes, I'm doing this all by myself. I'm sorry for who I've been and what I've done, that's all I can offer for the past; If I could change it all, without a second thought, I would.
By the way, I know I'm flawed and I always have. I'm sorry for the mask, I've just been afraid. No more, losing what little I have left is not worth it. I must apologize once more, unfortunately there are no words that can express this.
Anata wa kirei na hito desu.
Gomen nasai.
Aishiteru. |
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zyino's journal
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